Revising the Dream

"The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray" by Robert Burns. Quoted to Joe and I on August 9, 1997 as we were married by Fr. Jim Carlson. The whole premise of Fr. Jim's sermon on that day, (after a quick dig on Joe for being so darn meticulous all the time) he reiterated over and over again how, no matter how much we plan for something, things in our life aren't going to be perfect. I know we understood that but it still leaves us the question, "why the heck not?" On that day, I figured the "imperfections" that would occur in our married life would be limited to the likes of burning a dinner, dropping fly balls, storms on vacations, cars breaking down, you catch my drift.

You don't ponder the "unthinkables", if you did you would go crazy. We didn't think we would have a child with CP. We didn't think about our Grandparent's leaving their earthly homes. We didn't think about how our brothers would turn out. We just thought for the most part our lives will be perfect with a little snag here and there.

Our latest "snag" is a bit harder to handle. Our baby isn't going to make it. We found out on our October 30th ultrasound that the baby had a cystic hygroma on it's neck. We knew things weren't great then but a visit to the specialist on the 6th just confirmed our fears and it's only a matter of time before I miscarry. The baby has hydrops which is fluid around the belly. Basically, the baby's heart and other organs will be taxed out dealing with this extra fluid. Hydrops is the end of the line, there is no hope. We can only pray that the baby has no pain. The hardest thing is waiting, we don't know when it will happen. She said it could happen anytime in the next two months but didn't think it would be long with the size of the hygroma being so large. I don't think you can mentally prepare yourself for this, but am thankful that medical technology has given us this heads up. Joe and I will get through this, as will our parents who I think sometimes have a harder time than we do. We all have our crosses to bear in life, this is ours. We can't understand why but we just have to deal with it. Honestly though, I'm getting a bit miffed about bearing imperfect children. Yikes, that sounds harsh. Someday I'll get my answer of why Joe and I have been "chosen."

I guess I'll close by saying we've had amazing support from family and friends through this. One very dear friend of mine, the very 1st person I told I was expecting always knows what to say, she gave me some awesome words of wisdom and I don't think you have to be Catholic to appreciate them. They are...

"remember our model of faith, Mary. She shows us how to pray and how to live. As a mother, she wants all of us to be happy, peaceful, and full of love no matter how bad the circumstances of life - even when the sword of sorrows pierces our heart as it did hers. And she knew the key to peace is prayer. May we all follow her example."

Here's wishing everyone happy and peaceful days. :)