The day after...

Well today has been tough. We just got back from meeting with the funeral director and cemetery sexton. Again everyone we encounter on this journey has been so wonderful. We will have a small service at the cemetery tomorrow at 10:30. We picked out a sweet little pink casket. It's hard to believe still that we have a daughter. Girls just aren't that common in either family. Joe and I bought our plots and we're on the sunrise end of the cemetery and I will be buried with her someday in the future.

Here is the labor and delivery story I promised.

After getting the news that she had passed we decided it would be better for my psyche to go and induce right away. I could have waited a few days but I think that would have just made everything harder. So we got the boys and ourselves packed, they went to stay with my IL's and we got to the hospital around 7:30 Tuesday night. Just before 9:00 they put the cytotec pill behind my cervix to get things started. They only put in 200 vs. the normal 600 for induction because I had a previous c-section scar they were worried about if I started contracting too strong. They said with that small amount it could take 12 - 18 *edited from months to hours* to get things moving. They figured I would need the cytotec every 4 - 6 hours. Around 2:00 I started contracting, it wasn't anything really strong or painful at all but they lasted a long time and came fairly frequently. So they held off on another dose. They woke me up at 6:30 and said I could eat breakfast and have shower because they figured it would be quite a while yet.

So I did all that jazz and by the time I got out of the shower I was really contracting a lot and it was starting to hurt a little bit. I knew it would probably get a lot worse so figured this was the right time to ask for pain meds. Around 9:00 they came in and checked me and I was dilated to 5cm and the bag of waters was just bulging I guess. I got my shots of Nubain and that just made me feel drunk and I slept off an on until about 9:45. At 10:00 I felt like I was leaking so we got the resident doctor in there and sure enough my water had broke. At this point I was pretty nervous and shaking because I knew we were well on our way. I calmed down and just decided to rest again. I was feeling no pain at all.

Around 10:30 I felt her slide out of me; no pain and no warning that she was coming. So we called the nurse and the doctors got paged and it was a little crazy for just a few minutes. The OB doctor and nurses were just awesome. They put her on a pillow and described what they were seeing and whether we wanted to see her. I had seen some pics online, Joe had also seen a couple. The doctor told us that generally the pictures in our mind are worse than the reality. However, if we were expecting to see a beautiful porcelain doll than we'd be better off not seeing her and keeping that image. We said we were expecting "bad" and so he basically put her in front of Joe and said in so many words "what do think can your wife handle this?" I was already craning over trying to see her, I knew I wanted to if Joe could I could. She looked rough but the picture in my mind was indeed worse than what was in front of me. I had a few people I met online tell me when I was preparing for this that I would not regret seeing and holding her and that no matter what she did look like she would be beautiful to us. They were all so right. I could look at those pictures all day. The nurse took some beautiful ones of her hands and feet. As soon as I get around to scanning them I'm sure will share those. They were perfectly formed. My Mom was up there with us and got to see her too. So I'm glad she was real to more than just Joe and I.

Later that day, the boys came by with my IL's and were wild as all get out. I guess they were excited to see us. My Dad came by too. At 4:30 the nurses coordinated a little prayer service in the room with the hospital chaplain. My Dad decided to stay for it so he got to meet Autumn Rose too. The nurses had her dressed in a little gown that was made from a baby washcloth. She was all wrapped up snug and tight in a blanket and had a bonnet on and was in a basket. She looked beautiful and so dignified. I might share those pictures too depending on how they look in black and white. And that is Autumn's day with us. The hospital gave a beautiful set of momentos they really did a great job I can't say enough good things about the whole staff there! We went home around 6:30, the funeral home picked her up at 5:00. We drove by the funeral home on our way home and just said that's where she is now. Crazy I never thought about her being there when we were in the office this morning, too busy with other thoughts I guess.

The hospital plays a recording of Brahm's lullaby every time a baby is born. I remember hearing that when I was in the hospital after having Austin. He was in Ann Arbor and that depressed me so much hearing that. It was different this time. I must have heard it about 10 times during our entire stay. It didn't bother me so bad, sure it stung a little but I just kept saying happy for that Mom, sad for me. I did hear a few babies crying up there and one Mom screaming every few minutes yesterday. I never cried when that happened, I just kept thinking oh the irony. I would think maybe someday I'll be back in this hospital with a healthy newborn. We aren't even talking about trying, or not trying right now for another baby. I think we will talk about it in the spring. It's hard to think about now. I was scared to death to have another child, and sometimes I wonder if God didn't think I could handle another one or maybe I didn't want her bad enough. I don't know, I'm talking imponderables again and I know I shouldn't that. So I'll stop. :)

So now it's moving on time. It's been a sad day. I'm hoping that after tomorrow's burial service the true healing and moving on begins as it did with Grandma in April. I know that to everyone maybe we've done too much as she was just with me for a short time. I hate the word "fetus" and the poor funeral director was telling us a story about what the Midland hospital does with their "fetuses" and I just about died. She was such a big part of our life even if only for a short time. I'm glad the funeral director called her Autumn and our baby and said we weren't doing anything weird by having her buried as opposed to the mass burial the hospital has once a year with the "fetuses." The selfish part of me wants the world to stop and have everyone acknowledge our "loss" but I know that just isn't going to happen and it's not fair to think that it should happen. Life does go on and thankfully I have the boys and they will force me to go on happily. I don't want to dwell on this but right now it's all I think about it. I know that is ok for today and tomorrow but then it will be time to move on.

Thank you all for following our journey. Yesterday I had a record 186 hits on the blog. I know those numbers will go down and understand that. But for one day Autumn was ultra special and 186 of us thought of her. So for that I thank you. Have a good day and love you all!