Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The finesse of being dumb.
There is a method to my madness at times and playing the incompetence card has gotten me quite far in life. The art of it is riding that fine line between coming off as a bit confused to looking like a stupid dumb ass. Or as the POTUS says, a stupidly dumb ass.
I blame my father...he is the super heavy weight champion of the world in the game of incompetence. It's much easier for my Dad to screw something up just once and then have Joe or some other unlucky sap have to deliver him from here on out. Of course he has found the trump card in getting Joe over to do his dirty work, i.e. fix his treadmill, figure out the cable box, look at his car...he simply has to call and say why don't you guys come over and I'll buy food, food, food!! He knows that we'll never say no to the Colonel's mashed potatoes and gravy and like crazy suckers off we trek and while the boys and I eat, Joe gets stuck fixing something that Dad probably should have done himself and usually the potatoes are gone by the time Joe gets to sit down to eat. Poor Joe. My Dad is a flipping genius!
Key points in my game of incompetence include but are not limited to the following.
1 - Ask tons of questions. After a while the person answering will usually say "how about I help you do that" and usually that translates into "let me do this for you before you majorly screw it up!"
2. Ask one "key" question. "Honey, where do you keep a hammer?" I know darn well where Joe keeps his hammer. Asking for a hammer then opens up the dialog of "why do you need a hammer?" "I just want to hammer some large screws in our walls and hang pictures." "There are picture hanging kits for that." "What are picture hanging kits." "Don't worry I'll do it." Bada boom bada bing ching.
3. Screw something major up just once. I am no longer in charge of balancing the checkbook because I did something bad years ago that I can't remember. Worked though.
4. Cry - works every time.
5. Feign major worry about doing a good job. If others see you are making yourself ill over doing something they will usually step up and do it for you or at least help you out. At the very worst, if you do indeed screw it up, it'll be more forgivable.
6. Live by the mantra of under promise and over deliver. You will shock people this way. Sometimes this ruins your cover though. My cooking is a good example of this. If people expect nasty crap than they'll be pleasantly surprised to find something quasi-edible waiting for them.
Okay, so I'm not the smartest cookie to crumble. So what of it? I do wish I was less naive and gullible. I will believe about anything you tell me. I'm also crazy forgetful. It's a horrible trait but like the incompetence my friends know how to get by this character flaw. They will use an intermediary to get things done. After telling me did you ever do "such and such" and me proclaiming "no, but I will"(many times over)... friends know to ask Joe "did your wife ever do such and such" and that usually lights a fire under me. For this week, yes I finally turned in that receipt that's been in my wallet for over a month. Yes, I got the salt shaker cap out of my purse. Yes, I sent Tommy's hockey camp registration in. Yes, I turned in our golf registration.
I guess I'm lucky that I have a husband who puts up with my crazap and doesn't put me down too much for it. And I'm thankful my friends haven't bailed on me yet either. And FTR - if anyone ever wanted to get Joe a t-shirt that says "I'm with Stupidly" I'd completely understand.