Tuesday, December 18, 2007

She was only with us for the fall.

It's weird how time works. 3 months ago tonight on another Tuesday, I decided to take an EPT even though I could have a week earlier. I was in denial about being pregnant, we hadn't tried long and with the boys we tried for 9 months both times before being rewarded. I probably spent 100's of dollars on EPT's when we were trying for them and getting BFN's Big Fat Negative's every time until FINALLY getting our BFP. This time I bought 1 test and it was a BFP! It was so crazy! Joe and I were I think about as nervous and excited as we were the first time. But we were also crazy guarded this time. We didn't go share our news to a bunch of people right away. I think we were so scared with Austin's scenario that we either didn't want to jinx it or couldn't believe it was true. Maybe we knew. I don't know.

I hadn't really felt the baby move since Sunday so I was kind of expecting this today. I didn't dread hearing that it was over as I kind of knew. I laid the preemptive out there to the midwife that I hadn't felt movement and thought this could be it. She put the doppler all over and at one point we heard a slow hb and I quickly said that is probably mine. I was right, she kept looking and couldn't find it. So she gave me the u/s on the primitive machine that was in there and I was looking at it on the small monitor and you just knew, the baby lay there so still. I felt one fat tear fall out of my right eye and that was it. She left Joe and I there for a moment and then we went into the big u/s room and another tech confirmed that she was gone. She put the hb measure thingy on there and it was a flat line. Then we went to a different type exam room which I figured was the bad news room because there were a bunch of nature pictures on the wall and not the typical baby pics you see on the other walls. I guess the photos were taken by one of the docs there. So we went over our options and I could have waited to induce but for my sanity we decided to come in tonight. Ah, my Mom just stopped in so I will finish this in a bit.

Continued...Crazy Claudia is still here and her and Joe are shooting the breeze. I got my first dose of the meds almost two hours ago and not too much is happening yet. They think it will take a while 12 - 18 hours, with my previous c-section scar they have to go slower. I'm sure we'll be rocking and rolling by morning. I've got a darn IV and the saline is dripping so fast. I know I'll be up peeing all night. Oh well, I guess I should be up all night for the next year really but we see how that turned out. Ok, no pity party here.

This is actually a good week to have this happen since it had to happen at all. I've got Christmas vacation to recover and Joe is off already next week too. Something's just work out. Not to mention our name. I guess Autumn Rose is kind of poetic as we approach winter.

Well I seriously feel like I am rambling so I guess I will sign off. Thank you all for your love and support.


Sanity said...

*hugs* I found you from BabyCenter, where I've been posting since I miscarried at 11 weeks back in Feb/March.

I'm sorry that your baby didn't make it. One of my BESTEST friends has Turner's Syndrome and she is (.:counts:.) 32 now. That is a beautiful name that you gave your daughter.

Prairie Dawn said...

Dear Sanity - thank you for the post. I'm sorry for your loss too. How neat that you have a friend with Turner's. We were hoping for a better outcome as we know that Turner's girls lead very full lives but it just wasn't in the cards for us.

Debbie said...

My sympathies to you and your family, Dawn. Your daughter is loved so much. Praying for you to all to find peace and comfort.